And the Winner is.....

Here at the monkey house, there is, on this Sunday morning, at the end of a particularly rainy July, on our beloved Maine coast, in the midst of our lushly overgrown--neglected--garden, there is a contest of sloth. Three of the four players have taken their dedication so far as to be unaware, even at this time, that they are in fact engaged in said contest. Such is their art!

Player number one remains deliciously tangled in luxurious comfort. After the previous night of bandit stalking, stepping even a toe out before noon would be a scandal.

Players two and three are the undisputed top scorers. Find the equally bathed in comfort as they lie in front of the screen surrounded by fluffy pillows and comforters. Plenty of crumbs are at their fingertips and they boast full possession of a working remote control device.

Their entertainment options are even more plentiful than the crumbs. An infinite number of devotees have made available to an unknowable number of fans films in which they provide full narration to various Minecraft activities they have previously performed. Or perhaps just something someone else has performed. For all I know they are all just continuously commenting on previous commentary.

In my innocence I thought the least doing of a thing was watching some kid describe his collection of Pokemon cards, although the opening of a brand new pack could potentially be over-stimulating. But I am now prepared to admit that the voice overs that accompany these mini Minecraft tours do have significantly less monotone, in some cases even dialogue between characters. Which leads me to consider accepting the watching of pre-recorded actual virtual mining and building, with all the accompanying foul language of the actual virtual thing being done not in real time is indeed evidence of more being done by doing less. Much less done, much more watching of less being done being talked about being done previously and in the future, that is to say both actual virtual future and virtual actual future re-telling.

To hold such a high rank in a sport whose very definition is the essence of an absolute lack of ambition shows a mastery which must be honored. By mastering their position while maintaining complete ignorance of their exalted status shows how much they who know nothing can truly know. The subtlety by which they maintain their superior ranking marks a profound gift for feigning the ignorance of ignorance. Forgive my immodesty, but my children posses spectacular brilliance.

As for player number four, the glory days of my youth are past. But I must take my defeat gracefully, as exerting any effort would betray what a true loser I have become.