A bottle of ...

August 4, 2011. 9:30am.
I am in the local market. It boasts a full service post office, fresh produce, a deli counter, shelves of gluten free food, good wine in a wide price range, fancy cheese, imported chocolates, locally made jars and bags of expensive, delicious things like condiments, cookies, jams. Frozen gourmet whoopie pies that have been personally endorsed by Martha Stewart. The kind of place where you could find your favorite trendy greek style yogurt, and your favorite small batch microbrew beer, then get some delicious looking thing you had no idea you wanted until you saw it there flirting with you.

And then there is the other market. You know what I mean. They have the "regular" food. The Campbells soup, Wonder bread, cheese in a can, Ragu spagetti sauce, Ranch dressing, Little Debbie snack cakes. The stuff I'm too snobby to buy. Yes, all that "regular food" is cohabitating with the over-priced "fancy schmancy" stuff people like me buy. I love that. The "regular" food people would never waste their time in one of those overpriced gourmet shops. (And most older people just get overwhelmed in the huge supermarkets. A very nice lady told me that yesterday. Six years after leaving our oh-so-hip neighborhood in Brooklyn, I am astonished by the number of old people I see every day. Really old people. Every day.)

So I love that the IGA is there making it easy for people who only need a few things to shop. And I love that it's also crammed with stuff that could keep me entertained all day. So many kinds of imported mustard that I've never heard of! Last week I found the chocolate I dream of, flown all the way here from Portland, Oregon. Moonstruck. Aztec. With finely chopped almonds, a hint of cinnamon, and a handful of pixie dust.

I ask myself, is that market the dowdy librarian with super sexy lingerie hiding under her frumpy exterior? Or is it the ultra thin fashionista with the baggy, saggy old grannie panties underneath?

While we set aside that conundrum, ponder this: The lady in front of me at the register makes room for me to put down my teetering stack that was only meant to be coffee. There is time, as our cashier finishes up with the bagging and chatting of the previous customer. There is time for me to to look, and carefully turn over in my mind the image I see before me. One bottle of gin. One lonely midsize bottle of gin. Not the 2 liter, not the pocket flask, just the regular ordinary size bottle of regular ordinary Beefeater gin. Not in itself a startling thing. But it's the only thing. The one item the woman in front of me is purchasing at nine thirty am. Instantly my mind flashes back to any number of a certain genre of film--Summer of 45 is the first to leap forward. The kid trying to buy condoms noodles around asking for every stick of gum or ball of string, or nail clipper he can think of, trying to work up his nerve, and at the same time camouflage his purchase, as if he typically buys these things all together.

But our lady today has no such anxiety. I look at her carefully. She is not what my grandfather would have called a Bowery Bum. I am mostly looking at her back, and she is reasonably well dressed. Comfortable upper/ middle class. (Damn, I wish I'd seen her car!) I keep asking myself, under what circumstances does this nice lady purchase one bottle of gin and nothing else so early in her day? How is it even possible that not one other item here can tempt her. Why does she need gin, and only gin, and why does she need it right now?

Here is the boy at the register. Tall, with frizzy wisps of red hair that look like they were thrown at him with clumps of glue attached. I am eager to read his t- shirt. It is black. There is a face I cannot identify. He turns and I read "The jerk store called, and below the face, They're running out of you". Now I see it is Costanza. But while I am enjoying this witty pop culture artifact there is a conversation going on beside me. This skinny, blotchy youth has done the most extraordinary thing. He said, "Hey weren't you just in here two days ago buying the same bottle of gin?" As I stand there in a shocked daze, I realize that we three are pleasantly bantering as if he'd just said "hey I like your blue sneakers!" She ha-has about how surprising it is that he remembers her so precisely. While I am thinking about how unlikely it is that he wouldn't, and he is trying to awkwardly explain that he is not a zombie, and notices many of the regulars going in and out of the segregated liquor section behind him, she is chuckling about her husband, who just has to have his martinis! She jokes that she should probably just buy a bigger bottle. Then she explains that she only drinks vodka. While we are all humorously remarking on this cashier's superior memory, I remark-- with my usual mock seriousness -- that his comment about the frequency of her gin purchases was highly impertinent! Well, it really was. They both looked at me as if I'd just said something in a foreign language. I was unaware that the concept of impertinence has become archaic.

I was impressed with her ability to seem completely at ease during this entire exchange. After she left he told me about other less well-heeled regulars whose daily purchase is whatever is the cheapest.

I can't stop thinking about that one bottle of gin, and I'm dying to know if she's back tomorrow buying another.

Sushirito

Listening to dinner party download. They've discovered the guy on the street selling burritos filled with maki ingredients. Great street food. I'm glad this guy is making these things, but please, it's not brilliantly original. It's a giant futo maki before you slice it. I was making California rolls 20 years ago go travel with. We were eating them burrito style in the plane on the way to the UK. It's very practical.

Qualified Opinions

Anne in backless pinky slinky 

Until very recently I missed the GGs, and focused on the Oscars. This is the only time of year that I pay any attention to celebrities and what they wear.  Mostly I think it's shallow, silly and boring. I glance at the trashy covers while in the checkout line, but that's about it. Am I taking pains to assure my reader and/or myself that I'm above this sort of thing? Probably. But it's true. I think fashion is ridiculous and comical. I think it's sad the way the desperately obsessed rush around buying these overpriced rags that A: they can't pull off, and B: are so obviously of this moment that they can't be worn next year.

But I love the dress up game of the Oscars. And after so many years studying film, writing reviews, and even reviewing the Oscars a few times, I am compelled to yank my head out of  The New Yorker, and pick it all apart. Starting with the Golden Globes this year means I get to do it twice.

Olivia Wilde

Collapsing under the weight

Now the first thing I make allowances for is that obviously everyone is saving their best gowns (and bling) for the Oscars. The GGs are like the dress rehearsal. And in my search this morning for the good red carpet photos I came across some best and worst list written by people with absolutely no taste and no judgement. I offer my comments with the proviso that they are, after all based on my superior taste, excellent judgement, and highly qualified opinions.

One of the first things you notice about the gowns is the strong trend towards skin tone colors. I noticed this at last years Oscars. Pale blushy pink, nude, cream, light tan, champagne, usually adorned with glittery details. Strapless and trailing on the floor was the look of the night. It was impossible to see 90% percent of the shoes, which i'm sure made the shoe freaks cry. Sandra Bullock had that soft, flowy, ultra feminine pink, but I could not get past those awful bangs to get a good look at her dress. She looks like she must be hiding some botched botox on her forehead. In this photo she looks like a schlump. How can a dress that ought to be beautiful look like such a rag?

Diana Agron

Heather Morris

Lea Michele

They had a good night, but Glee didn't make a sweep. I'm sure Lea Michele's little diva heart was crushed, but I think the pink-pink with ruffles and a huge train really suited her. All the glee girls looked pretty sweet, but the prize takers for me were Jenna Ushkowitz in sapphire blue, and Amber Riley. They put all those wispy disappearing blondes in the background.

Jenna Ushkowitz

Way to rock the curves Amber!

More disappearing blondes.

Katie Lee

Katie Lee's dress shouldn't work, but it does. It's just so damn cheerful after all that blah. Kyra and Kevin make me sad. They both look like walking dead. Her mound of skirt is just awful. Julie Bowen, I loved you on Ed, but you need to fire your stylist. The pale grey is unflattering and you look like you're being buried in feathers. Or turning into a seagull.

Julie Bowen

Catherine Zeta-Jones's dress could have been awful. I can imagine snide comments about Scarlett's curtains. But the fabric is just luscious and the way it folds and drapes is perfect. She looks like royalty. Except I'm not sure if that beautiful face moves any more. I'm not going to say anything mean about the way Michael looks. In contrast, Angelina is just getting scarier. She's looking really anorexic, and that dress looks like there's a Barbie doll under it. Yes, she's beautiful, but she always looks so smug. I'm done with that.

Stunning

Elizabeth Moss, I love you, but I'm not convinced about that dress. You've got the look of the night --strapless and with a train-- and you do look slightly better in this photo than when I saw you at the show. The fabric is lovely, but the pleats and gathers are odd. It looks like your dress is fighting with itself. And get a hair dresser. You need a really glam hairdo to carry off all that satin.

January Jones

January Jones is in classic Bill Theiss. He always managed to cover those hot alien breasts with as little fabric as possible. I get that she wants to be a little badder than the Grace Kelly look she's sewn into at Mad Men. But that classic elegance really works for her, this weird red cleavage maker does not. Christina Hendricks and January should have called each other, and found better stylists. I think Christina's dress would have been okay if she got rid of all that pouf on the shoulder. I love this woman and I know she can look so much better. Julianne Moore looked like she was wearing red last night too. That giant sleeve looked even worse than it does here. All those wrinkles across her lap? Someone should have caught that. And ripped off that sleeve before it swallowed her. 

Christina Hendricks

Julianne Moore

Who got the red right? Edie Falco. She even pulled off the one shoulder thing that I usually hate. This dress is simple. It works. Though I wouldn't mind seeing some jewels dangling near her cleavage. 

Last night the bling was noticeably absent. Crazy jewelry is part of the dress up fun, it's not not the same without it. So many sleeveless dresses and so many bare necks. Where were all the rocks??? The crazy Harry Winston million dollar pieces that are so gaudy you could never wear them anywhere but the Oscars. Is it an austerity measure thing? Are these insanely overpaid stars tactfully trying not to remind us how loaded they are? Are they conscious of not wanting to flaunt it when the economy is so bad? Or are they just saving the the big rocks for the Oscars? I'm giving top prize to Helen Mirren, and it isn't just because I'm closer to fifty than forty. And it isn't just because she's the only one who brought the bling. She just looks fabulous. Her dress is sexy and elegant. It shows her bust to advantage, and sheer sleeves are beautiful. The clutch is just right, the skirt covers her shoes in the current style and the color looks like liquid gold dust. Oh and she's herself. She isn't pretending to be anything. Like 35.

I have more, but the monkeys have to eat.

The Mysteries Of Found Shoes

Princess Lego

This week Sam wants to collect all the new Lego dice games. Leo is still obsessed with Star Wars, but also likes to collect Space Police, Atlantis and Power Miners. And he is practically in tears waiting to get his hands on the brand new, just released Ninjago. Newsflash: There are no female characters in any of these games. No tough girls fighting alongside the men. Not even girls as prizes to be saved or won in battle.

When he was four, Leo was a Disney princess for Halloween. He spent all year collecting jewelry, dresses and mini dolls. (All Disney characters.). For a while the boys at Pre School let him be princess Leia in their games. But he kept telling me the boys were bugging him about all the “girly” stuff. He told them “I have it because I like it”, but he often complained that they just didn’t understand. Then came the day when they wouldn’t let him play anymore. I knew these kids parents, they weren’t narrow-minded, intolerant people, quite the opposite. One boy had two mommies. Yet those boys all knew that Leo’s choices were not acceptable.

So Leo made a choice that worked for him. He wore only “boy” clothes to school and saved the pretty stuff for home. I was sad, I wanted him to feel comfortable exploring the masculine and the feminine. But he’s a little boy who wants to be liked and have friends, so he made a wise choice that didn’t limit his options.

Last October his dad made him a fantastic costume: Lego Darth Vader. Yes, my five year old boy who has never seen a SW movie or cartoon is obsessed with Darth Vader. Whatever the hook is about that guy, he’s swallowed it. But he recently grabbed a pink fluffy hoodie on the way out of target. And last week he asked me why there weren’t any fairy Legos. I said that was a very good question. He said maybe everybody already bought them.

Lego My Life

So I am officially obsessed with Legos. Spent over an hour this morning browsing through their site drooling over things. There are a few very choice items on sale. I'm definitely old school with the Star Wars insanity. The monks have stuff from the last three crappy movies, but if it was up to me we would only have stuff from the first three decent ones permitted in the monkey house. Monkey house is very old school. Don't even get me started on those "episodes 1, 2 &3.

I am currently working on an extensive mutant robot army. I'm obsessed with all the really tiny pieces. Leo and I fight over the little diamond shaped crystals. Sam wants THE DEATH STAR,  which costs thousands of dollars and has thousands of pieces. I don't even think they are for sale. Just collectors items. Do Lego Star Wars collectors assemble and display, or just horde everything MIB. Or both? Do they by two or more of everything? I notice on the Lego site there is a limit of 5 per person on almost everything.

Leo wants the entire collection of the mini versions of all the ships, etc. Even these are $100+.  Yesterday I reminded him that when he has his own job, and earns his own money he can buy whatever he wants. His response? "Can't I just have all of your money that is leftover when you die? Are you going to die soon?"

Weather is here. Wish you were fine.

What to say about the last minutes of the last day of this last year?

Well, I know that for the bottom 98% of us the economy really sucked. And everyone who had unrealistic expectations of Obama is annoyed. Frankly, I'm damn sick of hearing everybody whine about how he hasn't done enough for them. Need to find a new bumper sticker that says "I'm still glad I voted for him". I'll take any of my ineffectual politicians over your scary ones any day. Obama '12 baby.

It has been a good year for the monkey house. A very good year. Healthy family is something to be grateful for. And I am. Very. Grateful. For. Everything. Much kindness and generosity around me. If I believed in god I'd thank her.

Ten minutes left of 2010. Have to turn on the tv and watch Dick Clark drop the ball in Times sq. I have never understood the compulsion to stand there all effing day, just to be there at midnight. Just to say you were there? What is the appeal?

Happy new year indeed.

For the new year I've decided to fully embrace cliche. On the top of my list of resolutions is getting back to the gym. And I will shake this sugar monkey off my back. I will smile more and listen more. Look at people and really listen. I will be more patient with my children. I will be sweeter with D, who surely deserves it. My personal goals for this year are to read more, write more, and sleep more. This spiffy new iPad is already making the writing easier.

And I plan to start 2011 in the best possible way. It is my turn to sleep in.