Time and place

So here I am walking around in a haze, late for nearly everything, ignoring so many of the simple daily tasks that would actually make me feel better. I'm pleased with myself when I get the dishwasher emptied first thing in the morning. Boiling noodles and slicing some veggies for monkey dinner feels like lugging firewood. Always on the verge of tears.

Just now I had a brief chat with the cashier at WF. It was a good connection. He loved it when I told him that I live with two six year old boys and my house mostly smells like pee all the time. I assured him that whatever the mysterious wet substance on his counter might be, it was highly unlikely to gross me out. He said how great it was to talk to someone real, not uptight like most of the people who shop there. Then he noticed my necklace, and grabbed a girl walking by to make sure she saw it too. I explained that it's a serotonin molecule. We talked about various art projects he could make with the image.

As I turned to leave I saw the perfectly packed paper bag in front of me. We laughed when I realized I'd been too distracted to give him the bag I'd brought. He asked if I could used the paper anyway, so I explained one of the endlessly amusing--to me anyway--ironies of my daily life: I need paper bags to put my paper recycling out in, and I need the plastic ones for all my plastic recycling. So if I had my shit together enough to always remember my reusable bags, then I'd have nothing to put all the stuff I recycle in.

I walked away with a happy spark. I felt alive again. My brain had been turned back on. And before I made it though the second set of doors I was about to cry again. When the spark ignites and the energy is firing I'm smiling and in motion. I realized how small a moment can make me feel that way. I felt the pain of the stark contrast between that and most of the other moments. I began to ache with the desire for more connection and energy, and to cry for the rest of my day without it.

I seem to have a very rich social life in my dreams lately.